Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
It's almost over :(
I feel like the weeks are just slipping by so fast. I can't believe we only have a month left - I only have a month left. The idea, more like reality, of having someone else with me all the time, no matter what, has grown on me a little too much. I went from disbelief about even being pregnant to disbelief it's about to end. I don't want it end and I don't want to give birth. It's not because I'm not ready or afraid of birth, I just don't want to be without her. It's difficult to describe, because I'm not going to be without her when she's born, but she just won't be always with me. Some people think I feel this way because I'm going to miss special treatment or am having a good pregnancy. I guess that I've been lucky and had a great pregnancy. As for special treatment, I don't get any - except from Shawn and family. It's nice to have that, but that's not what I'm going to miss so much. I've gotten used to the movement, thinking twice about everything I do, being constantly reminded that I'm not alone and now it's all going to abruptly end. :'(
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
T-Minus 1 Month and Counthing...
Due date: Feb. 19. Today's date: Jan. 19.
Where did the time go?
It's been a mad scramble to prepare our home, the nursery and ourselves for the arrival of lil' Maddie, but we are pretty close to ready. Things got a little hectic around the holidays, with a trip back to Oklahoma, followed by the baby shower, Christmas, switching birth providers and getting the nursery ready, but we survived.
Now, we are mostly just preparing for the big day. Practicing our relaxation, breathing and visualization. I feel like the stress has been replaced with excitement and I can't wait 'til the baby gets here!
I know that a parent's job is to teach their child how to be a good person, but sometimes I think the exact opposite is what happens. In the months leading up to this point, I've not only gained a great understanding of the human body -- they call it the miracle of birth for a reason -- but myself, my family and my relationship. If I can learn so much in such a short time from someone who isn't even here yet, I'm excited for what is still in store when she arrives.
Here are a few things I've learned about pregnancy, birth and life:
Babies can hear you in the 3rd trimester, and they will respond to certain sounds. Maddie likes Trick Daddy, which may be a cause for concern.
Hospitals don't practice a patient-first approach to health care.
Most anything can be cured with a crystal, just ask any hippie.
If you do enough painting, you will dream about painting -- and possibly hallucinate if you fail to ventilate properly.
As pregnancy progresses, my comedy success rate decreases. I would say that I was somewhere around 80% hilarious with Melinda in the beginning, and my humor approval rate is somewhere closer to 40%.
You can do to much reading about child birth.
As priorities shift, you can be left wondering how the silly things you used to worry about were ever important.
I think the most important thing I've learned is that this is the perfect time and place to have this baby. Everything that happens leads you to where you are, and prepares you for this moment. If you're ever struggling to find a purpose in life, having a child can quickly give you direction.
Where did the time go?
It's been a mad scramble to prepare our home, the nursery and ourselves for the arrival of lil' Maddie, but we are pretty close to ready. Things got a little hectic around the holidays, with a trip back to Oklahoma, followed by the baby shower, Christmas, switching birth providers and getting the nursery ready, but we survived.
Now, we are mostly just preparing for the big day. Practicing our relaxation, breathing and visualization. I feel like the stress has been replaced with excitement and I can't wait 'til the baby gets here!
I know that a parent's job is to teach their child how to be a good person, but sometimes I think the exact opposite is what happens. In the months leading up to this point, I've not only gained a great understanding of the human body -- they call it the miracle of birth for a reason -- but myself, my family and my relationship. If I can learn so much in such a short time from someone who isn't even here yet, I'm excited for what is still in store when she arrives.
Here are a few things I've learned about pregnancy, birth and life:
Babies can hear you in the 3rd trimester, and they will respond to certain sounds. Maddie likes Trick Daddy, which may be a cause for concern.
Hospitals don't practice a patient-first approach to health care.
Most anything can be cured with a crystal, just ask any hippie.
If you do enough painting, you will dream about painting -- and possibly hallucinate if you fail to ventilate properly.
As pregnancy progresses, my comedy success rate decreases. I would say that I was somewhere around 80% hilarious with Melinda in the beginning, and my humor approval rate is somewhere closer to 40%.
You can do to much reading about child birth.
As priorities shift, you can be left wondering how the silly things you used to worry about were ever important.
I think the most important thing I've learned is that this is the perfect time and place to have this baby. Everything that happens leads you to where you are, and prepares you for this moment. If you're ever struggling to find a purpose in life, having a child can quickly give you direction.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Week 26 today! And now we count backwards...
This month I've began feeling her a lot. I can actually feel her jabbing and rotation around in my belly. Sometimes it feels like she's uncomfortable and just trying to find a comfy spot. This past Sunday - 25 weeks - I saw my stomach move for the first time. It wasn't like aliens in my belly kinda move, but just like it was being tapped. Great view from the toilet while I'm pooping. She's been super active this week. She even balled up on the right side of my stomach and made a little bulge there.
I also think I'm feeling her stretch and have hiccups. Just this past Saturday morning while in bed, kicking every time I laid on my side. So when I would lay on my right side, I would feel her kick the right side of my stomach and on the left side when I would lie on that side. At one point, I was laying on my back and felt her poking outwards on the top right side of my abdomen, right below my ribs and poking out the bottom left of my belly. The middle part of my belly felt really tight. I thought it may have been a contraction, but I could distinctly feel her arms pushing up and out. That was weird... especially since I was half asleep.
I think week 24 is when she began consistently being more active. I began feeling her move more strongly and tap over and over. I'm beginning to think that it was just hiccups since it was rhythmic and repetitive. We also marked the beginning of month six at 24 weeks.
Funny and/or annoying stuff this week: stupid doctors and random comments from strangers. We finally met with Dr. Katia Apollon last Monday and after bringing up my desire to labor unmedicated as long as I could take it and prohibit use of interventions, she suggested that we find another practice. She went as far as to imply that women that want their delivery one way are just controlling. She actually said this more than once. I was very upset to say the least, but I feel that I kept my cool. This crazy ho basically told us to let her do her thing and not interfere with our ridiculous ideas of natural/unmedicated delivery. I'm pretty shocked that there are such insensitive OB doctors. The other lady - Palaez - told me to stay home if I wanted to go natural. WTF? Why doesn't she get a diff job? Anyway, we went back to Richard Suarez and he's been supportive of what we want to do and has recommended studying all of the natural birthing methods, just to have a plan a, b, c, etc. But he did mention if the baby is in distress, the natural plan is out and he's getting the baby out. That's ok with me. I just want the baby to be in the best condition possible.
And for the strangers? Let's see this week I've had 3 people reassure me that I am in fact HUGE. This sales girl and Motherhood said "You're going to have a big baby! You're really big!" Just yesterday, the lady taking our order at the Italian sandwich place asked me when I'm due. I told her and she mentioned her son being born in Feb as well. Then she just paused, stared, and said "Wow! You're huge! She's going to be a big baby!" And then just a few hours ago, I was standing by the elevator and the dark building guy said "Whoa! You're due any day now?!?!?!" I was like no, I'm actually due in three months - mid Feb. Then he said "Wow! That's gonna be a boy!" I was like, no it's actually a girl - thanks for trying. He was like "that's going to be a big baby, you're really big" and proceeded to tell this other guy how big I am in Spanish - like he was in disbelief. What the hell am I supposed to tell these people? They have big excited smiles as they tell me that I'm about to pop or am HUGE or am giving birth to the world's biggest baby. So damn annoying!
Oh yes - in week 23 I got super constipated after coming back from visiting Shawn's family in Orlando. It was soooo terrible. I tried prune juice, milk of magnesia, suppositories, and enemas. Nothing worked except getting it out manually. It was so painful and uncomfortable. I felt like I was giving birth through my butt hole. Then I stayed home the next day and kept having pretty violent poop attacks.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Better Late Than Never
Is waiting until the 22nd week too late to start a pregnancy blog?
Well, looking back onto that fateful summer night my memory is a little hazy, but here is what really happened on June 26, 2009:
It was early evening and I was cruising home from the gym -- rollin' the jag. My slick Schwinn Jaguar, that is. It was my main mode of transportation at the time, as a slight misunderstanding had left me temporarily without a driver's license while my attorney straightened things out. I was cruising. I was back on track. I was feeling good. I had gotten back into my regular routine and I would have my license back in roughly a week. I felt like things were getting back to normal for me and all the pieces were falling into place.
I turned the corner and came into the final 2 miles of the 4-mile ride. It was down a path along a canal, littered with trees and picnic benches, lovers, lizards and old men fishing on that humid summer night. I was actually kind of enjoying not driving. It seemed less stressful and things generally slowed down.
When you're in a car with the outside world whizzing by, you don't take much time to notice things. You see red lights flashing; hear horns honking and you must constantly watch for the other drivers who seem to make it their objective to kill you. This is driving in South Florida -- a Mad Max style road race of doom. While there is no prize awarded to the winner, no finish line, there is a constant struggle to best the car next to you. Profanity laced tirades are yelled through rolled up windows.
You don't really notice your surroundings, so I had enjoyed my rush hour respite. I rode the train, rode my bike and Melinda was kind enough to drive me around the rest of the time. So, I was making the most of the situation. Riding my bike was good exercise and it gave me a chance to enjoy life at a slower pace. I was enjoying the ride at a leisurely pace.
My iPod was keeping the beat for my peddling and I was cruising. I would be home to my girlfriend in a few minutes. I would shower, we would eat, go to bed and start the next day fresh. We were settling into a happy little routine.
The song changed and the Kings of Leon's guitars hissed and the lead singer opened up the chorus of "Knocked-up" with:
"I don't care what nobody say, we gonna have a bay-bee!"
I sang along as I opened the gate -- having no clue the extremely coincidental foreshadowing that was taking place at that very moment. I rode up to see Melinda standing with her arms crossed in front of my studio apartment. I hopped off my bike as we walked inside.
"We need to talk," she said.
This phrase never meant anything good. Ever. That's when things started running through my mind. I knew this opening line and it always meant trouble. It usually was followed by an accusation -- justified or not -- that would end in screaming and her slamming my door on her way out. I began running through all the possible scenarios.
After racking my brain for what seemed like an eternity, I could come up with nothing. I had not always been the perfect boyfriend, but for the past several months I had been pretty damn good.
This was one of those instances where life slows down dramatically, and what in earth time is about 20 seconds, feels more like a week and a half of prison isolation. Like the warden is letting you sweat it out in the box until you're ready to admit your crime. But I was innocent! An innocent man wrongly accused of a crime he did not commit. I had been blindsided by accusations that I would have to refute in a battle for my very soul. Was I being a little dramatic? Perhaps, but I felt good that I was clean on this one -- I was ready, or so I thought…
This is when she broke the news that would ultimately change my life in the most profound way possible.
"We need to talk."
Maybe she said it twice or maybe it just echoed in my skull. Like a deer in the headlights, I froze and blurted out my natural reaction: "What's up?"
That's when she handed me a positive pregnancy test. I'm pretty sure the look I gave her said it all, but if there were subtitles they would have read something like:
"Duh…er…huh? I…uh…wuh?"
She replied with another handful of positive pregnancy tests. There was one with a blue line, one with a blue cross, one that very legibly read "pregnant" and one that you had to shake like a magic eight ball that read: "You gonna be a daddy!"
I looked up from my armload of testing supplies and Melinda looked as shocked as I was. She threw herself into my arms and started crying.
"What are we going to do?"
"Well, I think we are going to have a baby," I replied, trying to play it cool. "It will be ok…" I was saying it to her, but I was saying it for both of us.
This was another one of those time-machine moments where I traveled through the parallel universes to see visions of the future. I thought about how vital the next few moments would be, about how a decision right now would alter the course of our lives forever.
I squeezed Melinda tightly so she couldn't get her face out of my chest to ask any more questions. I needed as much time as possible to think. As I returned from the multiple future dimensions, the theme song of the evening replayed in my brain and I realized:
"I don't care what nobody say, we gonna have a bay-bee!"
Well, looking back onto that fateful summer night my memory is a little hazy, but here is what really happened on June 26, 2009:
It was early evening and I was cruising home from the gym -- rollin' the jag. My slick Schwinn Jaguar, that is. It was my main mode of transportation at the time, as a slight misunderstanding had left me temporarily without a driver's license while my attorney straightened things out. I was cruising. I was back on track. I was feeling good. I had gotten back into my regular routine and I would have my license back in roughly a week. I felt like things were getting back to normal for me and all the pieces were falling into place.
I turned the corner and came into the final 2 miles of the 4-mile ride. It was down a path along a canal, littered with trees and picnic benches, lovers, lizards and old men fishing on that humid summer night. I was actually kind of enjoying not driving. It seemed less stressful and things generally slowed down.
When you're in a car with the outside world whizzing by, you don't take much time to notice things. You see red lights flashing; hear horns honking and you must constantly watch for the other drivers who seem to make it their objective to kill you. This is driving in South Florida -- a Mad Max style road race of doom. While there is no prize awarded to the winner, no finish line, there is a constant struggle to best the car next to you. Profanity laced tirades are yelled through rolled up windows.
You don't really notice your surroundings, so I had enjoyed my rush hour respite. I rode the train, rode my bike and Melinda was kind enough to drive me around the rest of the time. So, I was making the most of the situation. Riding my bike was good exercise and it gave me a chance to enjoy life at a slower pace. I was enjoying the ride at a leisurely pace.
My iPod was keeping the beat for my peddling and I was cruising. I would be home to my girlfriend in a few minutes. I would shower, we would eat, go to bed and start the next day fresh. We were settling into a happy little routine.
The song changed and the Kings of Leon's guitars hissed and the lead singer opened up the chorus of "Knocked-up" with:
"I don't care what nobody say, we gonna have a bay-bee!"
I sang along as I opened the gate -- having no clue the extremely coincidental foreshadowing that was taking place at that very moment. I rode up to see Melinda standing with her arms crossed in front of my studio apartment. I hopped off my bike as we walked inside.
"We need to talk," she said.
This phrase never meant anything good. Ever. That's when things started running through my mind. I knew this opening line and it always meant trouble. It usually was followed by an accusation -- justified or not -- that would end in screaming and her slamming my door on her way out. I began running through all the possible scenarios.
After racking my brain for what seemed like an eternity, I could come up with nothing. I had not always been the perfect boyfriend, but for the past several months I had been pretty damn good.
This was one of those instances where life slows down dramatically, and what in earth time is about 20 seconds, feels more like a week and a half of prison isolation. Like the warden is letting you sweat it out in the box until you're ready to admit your crime. But I was innocent! An innocent man wrongly accused of a crime he did not commit. I had been blindsided by accusations that I would have to refute in a battle for my very soul. Was I being a little dramatic? Perhaps, but I felt good that I was clean on this one -- I was ready, or so I thought…
This is when she broke the news that would ultimately change my life in the most profound way possible.
"We need to talk."
Maybe she said it twice or maybe it just echoed in my skull. Like a deer in the headlights, I froze and blurted out my natural reaction: "What's up?"
That's when she handed me a positive pregnancy test. I'm pretty sure the look I gave her said it all, but if there were subtitles they would have read something like:
"Duh…er…huh? I…uh…wuh?"
She replied with another handful of positive pregnancy tests. There was one with a blue line, one with a blue cross, one that very legibly read "pregnant" and one that you had to shake like a magic eight ball that read: "You gonna be a daddy!"
I looked up from my armload of testing supplies and Melinda looked as shocked as I was. She threw herself into my arms and started crying.
"What are we going to do?"
"Well, I think we are going to have a baby," I replied, trying to play it cool. "It will be ok…" I was saying it to her, but I was saying it for both of us.
This was another one of those time-machine moments where I traveled through the parallel universes to see visions of the future. I thought about how vital the next few moments would be, about how a decision right now would alter the course of our lives forever.
I squeezed Melinda tightly so she couldn't get her face out of my chest to ask any more questions. I needed as much time as possible to think. As I returned from the multiple future dimensions, the theme song of the evening replayed in my brain and I realized:
"I don't care what nobody say, we gonna have a bay-bee!"
Friday, October 16, 2009
22 Weeks Today! And the story goes like this...
I thought I'd quit all my procrastination and start blogging about my pregnancy. I think the whole thing just caught me off guard and left me in a stupid daze for a while. I didn't really know how to feel. I didn't know if I was truly excited or just trying to feel excited out of guilt for potentially rejecting this baby. Well, it seems like 5 months was that necessary amount of time to allow all of this to sink in. It's not that I wasn't excited or happy about being pregnant, it's just that I was suspended in a state of disbelief for a while.
The day I found out that my period wasn't on wild hiatus again and I was indeed pregnant, did not pan out the way I dreamed it would have. It was a Friday, 6/26, the day right after I had just been written up at my job for trivial bullshit, so I had been in a crappy mood. I wasn't really suspicious about being pregnant, but I was noticing that my period was about 2 weeks late and every time I ate that week, I would get full off a small portion followed by weird heartburn. In passing, I happened to mention to Dianna that my period was so late although I'd been having cramps since the time I would've normally had it. She jokingly suggested that I take a pregnancy test. I chose to wait and put it off for a week or so.
Finally, after wondering what the hell was up with my period, I decided to rule out the unlikely possibility of pregnancy. Shawn and I had day off and hung out around his old lake house, had breakfast, sex, the usual. He decided to ride his bike to the gym in the afternoon. I would normally just cook us dinner or something while he'd be out. Instead I decided to run to the pharmacy and pick up a pregnancy test. I thought "let me take this test, it'll be negative like it always is, and then I'll just have to wait for my period". Standard routine when you have irregular periods and don't use contraceptives.
I ran into the bathroom as soon as I got home, sat on the toilet, and peed on the stick for a few seconds. The minute I pulled it out, I saw one solid pink line and then, like magic, another pink (somewhat dotted) line intersect it right down the middle. I was confused. What the fuck is this? The one "negative" line is solid, but there's another line that's not. I'm confused. So, I did the next best thing. I called my sister, Krystal. I got her on the phone and told her what happened. She suggested I take the second test in the box. I ran back to the living room got the stick and followed the steps again. I look down and WTF? Same shit. She's on the phone and starts laughing "you're pregnant!" Not funny. I was like, "no, this is impossible. I need to get the digital one that tells me YES or NO". She laughed it up and said "go for it, but I think you're pregnant".
I got in my car and hauled ass to CVS. I picked up another double pack, but this time it's digital. No maybe pregnant - this is a straight yes or no. The whole time I'm hoping Shawn hasn't returned home to catch me doing all this non-sense. Thankfully he hadn't, so I stashed the used tests in the trunk of my car and ran in the house with the new ones. Since I had just peed on two stupid sticks, I had to chug a glass of water and run into the bathroom until some urine finally began trickling down. When I pulled up the pregnancy test, the screen just had a blinking hourglass. UGH! What the hell is this??? I was freaking out. More suspense? Really - this is how this goes? I waited what seemed forever, but was probably 10 seconds or so and finally PREGNANT. I froze. Actually, I felt like everything just froze for a minute while I stared at it and thought a million things in a matter of seconds. I was so confused. How could this be possible? This must be wrong? I have poly-cystic ovaries. I can't even get pregnant without medical assistance. My hormones must be off and somehow produced false-positive results. And then it hit me. I'm fucking pregnant. I fell down and just screamed... not a happy scream. More like I had just been stabbed in my abdomen with a jagged knife type of scream. I started crying for like 2 seconds and then just stopped and got up. I had to be rational and figure this out.
So, I called my sister again. She answers and says "let me guess, it's positive?" I stayed quiet and I could hear her laughing and Danny in the background screaming in happiness that I'm having a baby. I finally said "yep, it's positive - it says pregnant". She immediately erupted in laughter and disbelief. Danny was in the background screaming like he was just informed he won a new car or something. And I was just quiet. I was nervous and felt guilty for suspecting and not mentioning it to Shawn. Krystal and I spoke for a little while longer about the options and what to do. After we hung up, I felt so overwhelmed. My head was just going in circles. I felt like I was losing my mind and still had to confront the reality of it and tell Shawn.
The day I found out that my period wasn't on wild hiatus again and I was indeed pregnant, did not pan out the way I dreamed it would have. It was a Friday, 6/26, the day right after I had just been written up at my job for trivial bullshit, so I had been in a crappy mood. I wasn't really suspicious about being pregnant, but I was noticing that my period was about 2 weeks late and every time I ate that week, I would get full off a small portion followed by weird heartburn. In passing, I happened to mention to Dianna that my period was so late although I'd been having cramps since the time I would've normally had it. She jokingly suggested that I take a pregnancy test. I chose to wait and put it off for a week or so.
Finally, after wondering what the hell was up with my period, I decided to rule out the unlikely possibility of pregnancy. Shawn and I had day off and hung out around his old lake house, had breakfast, sex, the usual. He decided to ride his bike to the gym in the afternoon. I would normally just cook us dinner or something while he'd be out. Instead I decided to run to the pharmacy and pick up a pregnancy test. I thought "let me take this test, it'll be negative like it always is, and then I'll just have to wait for my period". Standard routine when you have irregular periods and don't use contraceptives.
I ran into the bathroom as soon as I got home, sat on the toilet, and peed on the stick for a few seconds. The minute I pulled it out, I saw one solid pink line and then, like magic, another pink (somewhat dotted) line intersect it right down the middle. I was confused. What the fuck is this? The one "negative" line is solid, but there's another line that's not. I'm confused. So, I did the next best thing. I called my sister, Krystal. I got her on the phone and told her what happened. She suggested I take the second test in the box. I ran back to the living room got the stick and followed the steps again. I look down and WTF? Same shit. She's on the phone and starts laughing "you're pregnant!" Not funny. I was like, "no, this is impossible. I need to get the digital one that tells me YES or NO". She laughed it up and said "go for it, but I think you're pregnant".
I got in my car and hauled ass to CVS. I picked up another double pack, but this time it's digital. No maybe pregnant - this is a straight yes or no. The whole time I'm hoping Shawn hasn't returned home to catch me doing all this non-sense. Thankfully he hadn't, so I stashed the used tests in the trunk of my car and ran in the house with the new ones. Since I had just peed on two stupid sticks, I had to chug a glass of water and run into the bathroom until some urine finally began trickling down. When I pulled up the pregnancy test, the screen just had a blinking hourglass. UGH! What the hell is this??? I was freaking out. More suspense? Really - this is how this goes? I waited what seemed forever, but was probably 10 seconds or so and finally PREGNANT. I froze. Actually, I felt like everything just froze for a minute while I stared at it and thought a million things in a matter of seconds. I was so confused. How could this be possible? This must be wrong? I have poly-cystic ovaries. I can't even get pregnant without medical assistance. My hormones must be off and somehow produced false-positive results. And then it hit me. I'm fucking pregnant. I fell down and just screamed... not a happy scream. More like I had just been stabbed in my abdomen with a jagged knife type of scream. I started crying for like 2 seconds and then just stopped and got up. I had to be rational and figure this out.
So, I called my sister again. She answers and says "let me guess, it's positive?" I stayed quiet and I could hear her laughing and Danny in the background screaming in happiness that I'm having a baby. I finally said "yep, it's positive - it says pregnant". She immediately erupted in laughter and disbelief. Danny was in the background screaming like he was just informed he won a new car or something. And I was just quiet. I was nervous and felt guilty for suspecting and not mentioning it to Shawn. Krystal and I spoke for a little while longer about the options and what to do. After we hung up, I felt so overwhelmed. My head was just going in circles. I felt like I was losing my mind and still had to confront the reality of it and tell Shawn.
The wait for Shawn to get home was dreadful. I was alone with my thoughts and was drowning in them. My heart was beating out of control, I was sweaty, I was talking to myself. Seriously losing it. I decided to go outside and walk around a bit - just try to walk it off. I kept looking down street, hoping to see him riding home, but nothing. Finally, about 15 minutes of pacing outside and being eaten by mosquitos, I see him riding his bike home. I thought I would feel better, but just started getting more nervous. What am I going to tell him? What's he going to think? Wait - I'm outside waiting for him, this is out of the ordinary. He's going to think something is wrong. Fuck it. Something is wrong. He finally comes into the property and rides up to me. He's all sweaty and smiles at me with a strange grin and says "heeey, what's up?" Like why the hell are you out here. I think I said "nothing, just waiting for you". We both walk inside and I wait for him to put his bike away and take off his headphones. I'm standing just looking at him, feeling nervous like I did something wrong, and just say "we need to talk". He stops, straightens out like he's ready to take a strike, and says "ok". I immediately start a desperate search for words to put together - something that makes sense. How am I going to say this. Before I knew it, I just blurt out "I'm pregnant". He froze and just stared at me. I don't know why, but I felt like a wall of bricks crumbling apart and began crying uncontrollably. He grabbed me and hugged me. And I just cried for a while.
I finally pulled away and handed him the digital pregnancy stick - pregnant. He looked at it for a while as if he were waiting for an explanation from it. I asked him what he wanted to do about this and he said "I'd like to keep it, but I'll support whatever decision you make". How does that make it easier? How would I even consider anything other than keeping his baby. I loved him so much and kept with the relationship knowing that we were meant to be and now I'm doubting this? I told him that I didn't know. I don't want a baby, but I don't want to get rid of it. I'm so confused. This wasn't supposed to happen like this. We're not married. We don't even live together. I've waited and taken precautions for so long not to get knocked up, but to do it the right way. And here I am, almost 30 years old - knocked up. This isn't fair!
That night was so many things. I was sad, confused, angry, and happy all in ways beyond my comprehension. We decided to go out to eat and ended up in Pollo Tropical. I remember how disgusting the smell of the bleach they were using to mop the floor mixed with the smell of all the food was. I felt so nauseous and to top it off, my head was in a daze. Like I had just smoked a pound of weed and didn't know how interpret my thoughts. So we ate and I decided to take the second digital test in the morning, just to reconfirm that I was pregnant after
all.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
