The day I found out that my period wasn't on wild hiatus again and I was indeed pregnant, did not pan out the way I dreamed it would have. It was a Friday, 6/26, the day right after I had just been written up at my job for trivial bullshit, so I had been in a crappy mood. I wasn't really suspicious about being pregnant, but I was noticing that my period was about 2 weeks late and every time I ate that week, I would get full off a small portion followed by weird heartburn. In passing, I happened to mention to Dianna that my period was so late although I'd been having cramps since the time I would've normally had it. She jokingly suggested that I take a pregnancy test. I chose to wait and put it off for a week or so.
Finally, after wondering what the hell was up with my period, I decided to rule out the unlikely possibility of pregnancy. Shawn and I had day off and hung out around his old lake house, had breakfast, sex, the usual. He decided to ride his bike to the gym in the afternoon. I would normally just cook us dinner or something while he'd be out. Instead I decided to run to the pharmacy and pick up a pregnancy test. I thought "let me take this test, it'll be negative like it always is, and then I'll just have to wait for my period". Standard routine when you have irregular periods and don't use contraceptives.
I ran into the bathroom as soon as I got home, sat on the toilet, and peed on the stick for a few seconds. The minute I pulled it out, I saw one solid pink line and then, like magic, another pink (somewhat dotted) line intersect it right down the middle. I was confused. What the fuck is this? The one "negative" line is solid, but there's another line that's not. I'm confused. So, I did the next best thing. I called my sister, Krystal. I got her on the phone and told her what happened. She suggested I take the second test in the box. I ran back to the living room got the stick and followed the steps again. I look down and WTF? Same shit. She's on the phone and starts laughing "you're pregnant!" Not funny. I was like, "no, this is impossible. I need to get the digital one that tells me YES or NO". She laughed it up and said "go for it, but I think you're pregnant".
I got in my car and hauled ass to CVS. I picked up another double pack, but this time it's digital. No maybe pregnant - this is a straight yes or no. The whole time I'm hoping Shawn hasn't returned home to catch me doing all this non-sense. Thankfully he hadn't, so I stashed the used tests in the trunk of my car and ran in the house with the new ones. Since I had just peed on two stupid sticks, I had to chug a glass of water and run into the bathroom until some urine finally began trickling down. When I pulled up the pregnancy test, the screen just had a blinking hourglass. UGH! What the hell is this??? I was freaking out. More suspense? Really - this is how this goes? I waited what seemed forever, but was probably 10 seconds or so and finally PREGNANT. I froze. Actually, I felt like everything just froze for a minute while I stared at it and thought a million things in a matter of seconds. I was so confused. How could this be possible? This must be wrong? I have poly-cystic ovaries. I can't even get pregnant without medical assistance. My hormones must be off and somehow produced false-positive results. And then it hit me. I'm fucking pregnant. I fell down and just screamed... not a happy scream. More like I had just been stabbed in my abdomen with a jagged knife type of scream. I started crying for like 2 seconds and then just stopped and got up. I had to be rational and figure this out.
So, I called my sister again. She answers and says "let me guess, it's positive?" I stayed quiet and I could hear her laughing and Danny in the background screaming in happiness that I'm having a baby. I finally said "yep, it's positive - it says pregnant". She immediately erupted in laughter and disbelief. Danny was in the background screaming like he was just informed he won a new car or something. And I was just quiet. I was nervous and felt guilty for suspecting and not mentioning it to Shawn. Krystal and I spoke for a little while longer about the options and what to do. After we hung up, I felt so overwhelmed. My head was just going in circles. I felt like I was losing my mind and still had to confront the reality of it and tell Shawn.
The wait for Shawn to get home was dreadful. I was alone with my thoughts and was drowning in them. My heart was beating out of control, I was sweaty, I was talking to myself. Seriously losing it. I decided to go outside and walk around a bit - just try to walk it off. I kept looking down street, hoping to see him riding home, but nothing. Finally, about 15 minutes of pacing outside and being eaten by mosquitos, I see him riding his bike home. I thought I would feel better, but just started getting more nervous. What am I going to tell him? What's he going to think? Wait - I'm outside waiting for him, this is out of the ordinary. He's going to think something is wrong. Fuck it. Something is wrong. He finally comes into the property and rides up to me. He's all sweaty and smiles at me with a strange grin and says "heeey, what's up?" Like why the hell are you out here. I think I said "nothing, just waiting for you". We both walk inside and I wait for him to put his bike away and take off his headphones. I'm standing just looking at him, feeling nervous like I did something wrong, and just say "we need to talk". He stops, straightens out like he's ready to take a strike, and says "ok". I immediately start a desperate search for words to put together - something that makes sense. How am I going to say this. Before I knew it, I just blurt out "I'm pregnant". He froze and just stared at me. I don't know why, but I felt like a wall of bricks crumbling apart and began crying uncontrollably. He grabbed me and hugged me. And I just cried for a while.
I finally pulled away and handed him the digital pregnancy stick - pregnant. He looked at it for a while as if he were waiting for an explanation from it. I asked him what he wanted to do about this and he said "I'd like to keep it, but I'll support whatever decision you make". How does that make it easier? How would I even consider anything other than keeping his baby. I loved him so much and kept with the relationship knowing that we were meant to be and now I'm doubting this? I told him that I didn't know. I don't want a baby, but I don't want to get rid of it. I'm so confused. This wasn't supposed to happen like this. We're not married. We don't even live together. I've waited and taken precautions for so long not to get knocked up, but to do it the right way. And here I am, almost 30 years old - knocked up. This isn't fair!
That night was so many things. I was sad, confused, angry, and happy all in ways beyond my comprehension. We decided to go out to eat and ended up in Pollo Tropical. I remember how disgusting the smell of the bleach they were using to mop the floor mixed with the smell of all the food was. I felt so nauseous and to top it off, my head was in a daze. Like I had just smoked a pound of weed and didn't know how interpret my thoughts. So we ate and I decided to take the second digital test in the morning, just to reconfirm that I was pregnant after
all.
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